When I feel so overwhelmed and have too much to do, I usually end up doing everything BUT what I need to do.  I waste my time doing something totally useless, like look up random people I sort of know or don’t even know if they have an interesting picture on Facebook.  Friends of friends of friends… you know how that goes.  Before you know it, you are obsessed with someone and have seen every picture of theirs, every trip that they took, and are envious and jealous that they get to have such a fun life while you sit at your computer trapped and unhappy with so much shit to do.

Then I stop and realize, come on.  No one is THAT happy.  They just look that happy on Facebook.  Also, stop being a creepy stalker and get some loonies to go do your fucking laundry!!

*SIGH*

I do have a lot of shit piled up on me though.  They think at work I am more of a superwoman than I actually am.  My only consolation is that I will get to change my shift to 12-8 in February, and all those assholes who harrass me with noncritical issues that they deem critical from 8 am to 12 pm will have to wait.  Ha ha on you assholes!!!  (by the way, this will probably totally backfire on me and by the time I get in at 12 pm the place will be either burnt down or I will want to burn it down more than usual).

But the best part about 12-8 is…

I get to go back to nightly hot yoga!!! 

This means finally losing the weight I have gained from the stress and unhappiness (therefore eating badly and not exercising) of this job and getting back my old life (sort of).

Back to my old soul-searching-type posts about yoga and improving on poses and realizing there is something else in my life besides work.

Our (my and the boyfriend) photography/film business is taking off as well, and I’m super excited about it.  We are just getting our website ready, so ask me for the link soon okay?  I’m not going to post it on here but will be happy to give to anyone who contacts me.  I have to admit, my boyfriend is an incredible photographer – he is also very detailed/anal like myself so it lives up to my standard of perfection.

Anyway, enough rambling.  here is a photo of what I bought yesterday.  Actually I bought 4 of them.  Smelly things in the scent of “Apple Crisp” from Pier 1 Imports.  They are my favorite and I usually wait until they are on sale after Xmas (they only sell them at Xmas time).  They were $6 each down from the usual $25 each.  I feel very proud of myself that I waited so patiently for this bargain.

Sorry for the crap quality of this photo, I took it with my iPhone.  I should be ashamed of myself considering my BF is a professional photographer, but I couldn’t find was too lazy to find the other  camera.

Oh, also, on Friday morning at 6:30 am I was on Facebook just before I left for work and saw this.  I laughed out loud (literally LOL’d) and then for the next 10 minutes thought of it and kept laughing.

hahahahaha, right?

And that concludes this post.  So remember, when you are feeling overwhelmed and have too much shit to do, go ahead and stalk someone on Facebook and know that you are not alone!

If you work nonstop without a break…worry about offending others and back down too easily…explain too much when asked for information…or “poll” your friends and colleagues before making a decision, chances are you have been bypassed for promotions and ignored when you expressed your ideas. Although you may not be aware of it, girlish behaviors such as these are sabotaging your career.

Say what?!! Omg is she talking about me?  Literally, every word is true (except the poll thing, and that’s mostly because I don’t have time).  Of course I’m immediately intruiged and beating myself up at the same time within about 3 seconds (even though she specifically says not to beat yourself up if you’ve been doing these things).  I promptly bought it via B&N and downloaded to my Nook.  It’s very rare that I actually purchase an ebook, so congratulations Lois P. Frankel!

I’ll let you know my thoughts and how they relate to my entry-level management job.  I have a feeling it’s going to be GOOD.

In the meantime, here are some pics.  I saw this and thought, wow, isn’t that the most comforting thing ever?! (to me at least).  The beautiful warm extra long (down to my feet) scarf that my mom bought me for Xmas and my Nook just sitting on the bottom shelf of my coffee table.

Also, I wanted to show you I finally found the perfect BLING case for my iPhone.  I also bought a silver one too.  I’ve already had lots of comments, although I can’t tell if they are like, “um WTF are you 12 years old?” or “wow cool, for reals”.

But you know what? I don’t care either way. Ala Kenny Powers, if people don’t like it they can go fuck themselves.  That’s my new motto for 2012

For the past 4 nights since he has been staying with me, he has woken me up all night long with this snoring.  In fact, last night I had to go and sleep on the couch.  Which btw really irks me as it’s MY house and MY bed so why am I the one having to move???  He’s super selfish right???

He’s going to pack up and go home on Sunday or Monday as I have to start work on Tuesday again, but what happens when we move in together again in the future?

Why would he never snore in 5 years and then all of a sudden start snoring in the past year? How do couples solve this problem?  It’s driving me crazy and I can’t sleep properly and even right now as I’m writing this he is STILL fucking snoring away and I want to go into the bedroom and karate chop his head.

Thoughts?

One of the things I have learned is that life goes where IT wants YOU to go.  Not the other way around.  Instead of spending all of your energy fighting that fact, you have to be mindful of the clues it is giving you.

Clues = options.

Like Rachel Zoe said (and I can’t believe I’m quoting a celebrity and reality TV star) you always gotta have options.  She was referring to fashion (and btw that’s actually a fabulous tip fashion-wise, I use it all the time) but I use it for life too.  There is nothing worse than feeling like you are backed into a corner in your life and that you don’t have options.

I think of it as a flowchart.  I LOVE flow carts, and I never understood why until now.  Look at this thing.

Beautiful!!  That’s what life should look like.

So I made a decision career-wise, and I hate to say this, but I extended my prison sentence job for another year.  Not because it pays well or is a good job, but it’s a huge opportunity that will, in turn, give me way more opportunities than just going back to my old job and having maybe one or two options.

My life flowchart has much more… flow now.

As for diet and exercise, we won’t even go there right now.  All I would be able to tell you is about failure and disappointment and guilt and nonexistence.  What I have realized though, is that I need to break up with food.  I have a dysfunctional relationship with food, and I really should have a barely-there  acquaintance-type relationship with it instead.  Kind of like a relationship with a coworker you don’t really care about.  You acknowledge their existence, but couldn’t care less about them.   That’s what I am aiming for.

I hope to get back to yoga a few times in January, but back with full-time dedication in February.

Oh, also, I’ve given up reading all blogs that I used to except two constants.  People are boring, and I don’t want to waste my time following a blog that just tries to follow the masses.  I’m also tempted to delete my Facebook account too.  I’m tired of these people who don’t really give a shit about me, but are able to access my life.  My trip to Ontario for Xmas was very, very disappointing and made me rethink the relationship I THOUGHT I had with my entire family and friends.

So in summary, 2012 is going to be about options, and getting rid of excess fat I don’t need – and I mean that literally and figuratively of course.

To those constants in my life – I love you!  Happy New Year.

THEN, 65 more working days until I am finished this job. Woot!

I have broken it up into two parts, it’s easier that way.

Anyhoo, I have been faithfully using my Lose It app on my phone and counting calories.  So far after two weeks I have lost 3 lb. Not bad for me, as I am a slow loser. Plus I haven’t been exercising either.

Steady on!

P.s. My new obsession is Mark Duplass.  Holy crap I LOVE him, love his movies, love him. Of course he reminds me of a very toned down extremely nice and polite version of my boyfriend.

there’s nothing new. i’m still fat. i’m still trapped in hell until april 2012. my brother is getting married so i get to go to japan, maybe next christmas.

Question, how do you get these legs?

I mean honestly.  Do you think that after having fat ugly disgusting legs for years, you could EVER possibly make your legs look like these?  Or is it hopeless?

Is someone going to tell me you need to have been a dancer or yogi from when you were 6 years old and/or starve yourself in order to get legs like these? I hope not.

It would be really nice for somone to come on here and say “you know, i had gross disgusting legs and after a lot of hard work they turned into this”.

Let me know if it’s possible k? I don’t want to keep dreaming if it’s not possible.

I feel like I’ve finally become an active player in my life instead of just letting life happen to me. I’ve created my own opportunities, I’ve challenged myself in ways I never had before, and I’ve learned to expect nothing but the best from myself.

I just kept reading it over and over and over and something… sparked in me.

I then read my other favorite blog and she spoke about self-hatred.  She quoted The Dali Lama who at one point during one of his first visits to the US encountered the Western concept of “self-hatred” for the first time.  It had never even occurred to him.

A few times at the beginning of this week I felt something weird.  Almost an out-of-body experience where I saw myself from far away, from an observer’s perspective.  I bought a bag of chips and chip dip and Pepsi and hated myself for:

1) thinking about buying it
2) buying it
3) eating it

I kept observing myself from far away whispering “you LOVE to hate yourself. If you didn’t hate yourself, you wouldn’t know how to live”.

And it’s true.  The two times I have gone to Weight Watchers and lost a significant amount of weight, I felt like a fraud.  I felt like it was a temporary phase in my life, someone would find out, the girl inside me would find out and it would all be over.

It’s the same as when I started this blog.  I started it because I knew I wanted to make a change, but deep down inside didn’t believe it.  And then I read some blogs and became obsessed with being jealous of them, being envious of their healthy lifestyle and hating them, yet trying to be like them.  Of course this did not last and I’ve gained 16 lb back of what I lost and I’m in the EXACT SAME PLACE as I was when I started.

Like I always am.

So guess what?  It’s not about the weight!  I could lose 40 lb and still feel exactly the same.  I want to laugh at the fact that old memories and thought patterns that developed when I was young and formulating are what is holding me back from living my life in a HAPPY AND HEALTHY way.  It’s ridiculous.  Thoughts?  How can they control you so easily – they’re just thoughts!  Not even true ones!  Seems pretty crazy.

Yet ignoring them doesn’t work (see the past 10 years of my life for reference).

I must identify them, examine them, learn how to let them go.

Learn how to stop hating (don’t be a hater yo!).

It’s a way bigger task than just losing a few pounds.  It’s something I’ve been avoiding for years and years now. But goddamnit I am 37 years old now.  I think I deserve a break from the continual torment of my hatred, don’t you?

Or most importantly, don’t I?

I’m really just not interested in keeping this up anymore, nor do I have anything interesting to say.  I feel sort of sad because I put a lot of work and effort into keeping track of my life for the past year.

But let’s be honest, no one reads this (and I don’t blame them) and I think people are coming across this blog solely because they searched for “fat bulldog puppies”.

So alas, I am going to work on archiving this entire blog and keeping it for my own reference, but most likely will be deleting it altogether.

It’s been swell, thanks for reading . BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But that’s okay, for my own records then….

1) I finished 35 performance evaluations in 8 days.  I can’t even express to you how unbelievably hard it was to fit this into my already crazy schedule.  Let’s just say there were tons and tons of late nights and extra hours staying late at work.  But I finished them!

2) I found a way to fit in yoga.  I checked out a new different studio that is 5 MIN AWAY from my work.  They are a hot yoga place, have a 6 am class and a 4 pm class, which both fit very well with my schedule.  And because it’s so close to my work, I can even have the option of showering and getting ready at my work where we have a gym and nice showers and change room.  I decided even if I cannot sell my current yoga pass, I will pay the extra money on top of that and go, because I NEED to go and that’s my only option.

3) Not doing 100% well on no junk food, but cut out Pepsi/Coke pretty much and have been eating salad/sandwich or salad/soup for dinner every night.

4) Going to do a huge budget overhaul and get my money sitch back on track.  Need to organize and start saving money in every way I can.

And that’s about it! I will have lots to talk about when I start yoga and start budgeting…. and start losing weight again!!!