Just a little update – I’ve lost 12 pounds so far! I know it doesn’t seem like that much considering I’ve been actively trying and doing WW since the end of October, but I decided to put exclamation marks in celebration of something I know I should be proud of… even though the perfectionist in me is not proud.
But if I think about all the “work” I’m doing right now in my life, the fact that I managed to dedicate myself and lose even 12 pounds is amazing.
I’m in the midst of such life upheaval, losing my job, my mom’s illness and the dynamic with my father’s insanity, going through a relationship crisis, my apartment acquired mice – I’ve been a nervous wreck, stress filling my every pore and every chakra I have full, tight and ready to explode.
But as I am lost in this upheaval and chaos, I am also found.
When you break something, you can see inside. There is nothing hidden anymore, nothing you can ignore. I cannot look away any longer. It’s not just about weight anymore, it’s not just about going to hot yoga to “lose weight”, it’s not about simply finding another job or finding another relationship, it’s not just about my mom being physically ill.
It’s about the guiding force of my entire life and what that looks like to me. It’s about examining what makes me tick, what propells me forward, why do I wake up everyday and what goes through my mind? What do I look forward to and where do I want to go?
Losing 12 pounds is amazing and it has been hard work for me. But figuring out how I got to the weight I am in the first place is where I REALLY need to go. The weight is just a symptom, I can physically fix it.
And when you think of all the things you are unhappy about in your life as symptoms, you realize you can fix them all, but deep down inside you are ill. It may be ill with your thoughts or behavior, but you are still ill. And you need to get well.
Raw foodist Dara Dubinet says “just show up as you are” and I realize she is right. If you just show up as you are, everywhere in every part of your life, things are just simple, become easier.
Ask and you shall receive. So in essence, by choosing to go on a journey of weight loss, you are asking to become healthy in every aspect of your life. I have been given a gift, and even though it hurts and breaks my heart, I needed to break open everything and examine what was inside. I’m showing up as I am. And right now that’s the work that I need to do and I’m okay with that.