stalkers and apple crisp

I have too much to do.  And too much to do this week coming up.

When I feel so overwhelmed and have too much to do, I usually end up doing everything BUT what I need to do.  I waste my time doing something totally useless, like look up random people I sort of know or don’t even know if they have an interesting picture on Facebook.  Friends of friends of friends… you know how that goes.  Before you know it, you are obsessed with someone and have seen every picture of theirs, every trip that they took, and are envious and jealous that they get to have such a fun life while you sit at your computer trapped and unhappy with so much shit to do.

Then I stop and realize, come on.  No one is THAT happy.  They just look that happy on Facebook.  Also, stop being a creepy stalker and get some loonies to go do your fucking laundry!!

*SIGH*

I do have a lot of shit piled up on me though.  They think at work I am more of a superwoman than I actually am.  My only consolation is that I will get to change my shift to 12-8 in February, and all those assholes who harrass me with noncritical issues that they deem critical from 8 am to 12 pm will have to wait.  Ha ha on you assholes!!!  (by the way, this will probably totally backfire on me and by the time I get in at 12 pm the place will be either burnt down or I will want to burn it down more than usual).

But the best part about 12-8 is…

I get to go back to nightly hot yoga!!! 

This means finally losing the weight I have gained from the stress and unhappiness (therefore eating badly and not exercising) of this job and getting back my old life (sort of).

Back to my old soul-searching-type posts about yoga and improving on poses and realizing there is something else in my life besides work.

Our (my and the boyfriend) photography/film business is taking off as well, and I’m super excited about it.  We are just getting our website ready, so ask me for the link soon okay?  I’m not going to post it on here but will be happy to give to anyone who contacts me.  I have to admit, my boyfriend is an incredible photographer – he is also very detailed/anal like myself so it lives up to my standard of perfection.

Anyway, enough rambling.  here is a photo of what I bought yesterday.  Actually I bought 4 of them.  Smelly things in the scent of “Apple Crisp” from Pier 1 Imports.  They are my favorite and I usually wait until they are on sale after Xmas (they only sell them at Xmas time).  They were $6 each down from the usual $25 each.  I feel very proud of myself that I waited so patiently for this bargain.

Sorry for the crap quality of this photo, I took it with my iPhone.  I should be ashamed of myself considering my BF is a professional photographer, but I couldn’t find was too lazy to find the other  camera.

Oh, also, on Friday morning at 6:30 am I was on Facebook just before I left for work and saw this.  I laughed out loud (literally LOL’d) and then for the next 10 minutes thought of it and kept laughing.

hahahahaha, right?

And that concludes this post.  So remember, when you are feeling overwhelmed and have too much shit to do, go ahead and stalk someone on Facebook and know that you are not alone!

nice girls don’t…

I bought a new ebook called Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office by Lois P. Frankel.  When researching a book I usually first go to Amazon.com and read the worst reviews first.  This one had 4 bad reviews out of 127, so that’s a good sign.  The description of the book is below:

If you work nonstop without a break…worry about offending others and back down too easily…explain too much when asked for information…or “poll” your friends and colleagues before making a decision, chances are you have been bypassed for promotions and ignored when you expressed your ideas. Although you may not be aware of it, girlish behaviors such as these are sabotaging your career.

Say what?!! Omg is she talking about me?  Literally, every word is true (except the poll thing, and that’s mostly because I don’t have time).  Of course I’m immediately intruiged and beating myself up at the same time within about 3 seconds (even though she specifically says not to beat yourself up if you’ve been doing these things).  I promptly bought it via B&N and downloaded to my Nook.  It’s very rare that I actually purchase an ebook, so congratulations Lois P. Frankel!

I’ll let you know my thoughts and how they relate to my entry-level management job.  I have a feeling it’s going to be GOOD.

In the meantime, here are some pics.  I saw this and thought, wow, isn’t that the most comforting thing ever?! (to me at least).  The beautiful warm extra long (down to my feet) scarf that my mom bought me for Xmas and my Nook just sitting on the bottom shelf of my coffee table.

Also, I wanted to show you I finally found the perfect BLING case for my iPhone.  I also bought a silver one too.  I’ve already had lots of comments, although I can’t tell if they are like, “um WTF are you 12 years old?” or “wow cool, for reals”.

But you know what? I don’t care either way. Ala Kenny Powers, if people don’t like it they can go fuck themselves.  That’s my new motto for 2012

what a snore

My boyfriend has started snoring, loudly, for the past 9 months.  He actually even had to move back to his place on account of this, because I have to get up so goddamn early and it was affecting my sleep and therefore affecting my work day.

For the past 4 nights since he has been staying with me, he has woken me up all night long with this snoring.  In fact, last night I had to go and sleep on the couch.  Which btw really irks me as it’s MY house and MY bed so why am I the one having to move???  He’s super selfish right???

He’s going to pack up and go home on Sunday or Monday as I have to start work on Tuesday again, but what happens when we move in together again in the future?

Why would he never snore in 5 years and then all of a sudden start snoring in the past year? How do couples solve this problem?  It’s driving me crazy and I can’t sleep properly and even right now as I’m writing this he is STILL fucking snoring away and I want to go into the bedroom and karate chop his head.

Thoughts?

It has been a while

Well my friends, it has been a while.   A long while.  It is the end of the year, and what an interesting year it has been.  I won’t reflect on all the changes I have been through, but needless to say I’ve learned a lot.

One of the things I have learned is that life goes where IT wants YOU to go.  Not the other way around.  Instead of spending all of your energy fighting that fact, you have to be mindful of the clues it is giving you.

Clues = options.

Like Rachel Zoe said (and I can’t believe I’m quoting a celebrity and reality TV star) you always gotta have options.  She was referring to fashion (and btw that’s actually a fabulous tip fashion-wise, I use it all the time) but I use it for life too.  There is nothing worse than feeling like you are backed into a corner in your life and that you don’t have options.

I think of it as a flowchart.  I LOVE flow carts, and I never understood why until now.  Look at this thing.

Beautiful!!  That’s what life should look like.

So I made a decision career-wise, and I hate to say this, but I extended my prison sentence job for another year.  Not because it pays well or is a good job, but it’s a huge opportunity that will, in turn, give me way more opportunities than just going back to my old job and having maybe one or two options.

My life flowchart has much more… flow now.

As for diet and exercise, we won’t even go there right now.  All I would be able to tell you is about failure and disappointment and guilt and nonexistence.  What I have realized though, is that I need to break up with food.  I have a dysfunctional relationship with food, and I really should have a barely-there  acquaintance-type relationship with it instead.  Kind of like a relationship with a coworker you don’t really care about.  You acknowledge their existence, but couldn’t care less about them.   That’s what I am aiming for.

I hope to get back to yoga a few times in January, but back with full-time dedication in February.

Oh, also, I’ve given up reading all blogs that I used to except two constants.  People are boring, and I don’t want to waste my time following a blog that just tries to follow the masses.  I’m also tempted to delete my Facebook account too.  I’m tired of these people who don’t really give a shit about me, but are able to access my life.  My trip to Ontario for Xmas was very, very disappointing and made me rethink the relationship I THOUGHT I had with my entire family and friends.

So in summary, 2012 is going to be about options, and getting rid of excess fat I don’t need – and I mean that literally and figuratively of course.

To those constants in my life – I love you!  Happy New Year.

I like to lose it lose it

63 more working days until this year has ended.  I am counting in STAT holidays and my own holidays.

THEN, 65 more working days until I am finished this job. Woot!

I have broken it up into two parts, it’s easier that way.

Anyhoo, I have been faithfully using my Lose It app on my phone and counting calories.  So far after two weeks I have lost 3 lb. Not bad for me, as I am a slow loser. Plus I haven’t been exercising either.

Steady on!

P.s. My new obsession is Mark Duplass.  Holy crap I LOVE him, love his movies, love him. Of course he reminds me of a very toned down extremely nice and polite version of my boyfriend.

She got legz

my blog is still getting hits!  that my blog still exists is funny in the first place.  I spent so much time and effort so I guess it should.

there’s nothing new. i’m still fat. i’m still trapped in hell until april 2012. my brother is getting married so i get to go to japan, maybe next christmas.

Question, how do you get these legs?

I mean honestly.  Do you think that after having fat ugly disgusting legs for years, you could EVER possibly make your legs look like these?  Or is it hopeless?

Is someone going to tell me you need to have been a dancer or yogi from when you were 6 years old and/or starve yourself in order to get legs like these? I hope not.

It would be really nice for somone to come on here and say “you know, i had gross disgusting legs and after a lot of hard work they turned into this”.

Let me know if it’s possible k? I don’t want to keep dreaming if it’s not possible.

dying….

I’m dying.  This is slowly killing me.  Eight more months and I can have my life back (sad face x1000000000).

Loving to Hate

I was reading Beth’s Blog yesterday and she wrote something that I absolutely loved.

I feel like I’ve finally become an active player in my life instead of just letting life happen to me. I’ve created my own opportunities, I’ve challenged myself in ways I never had before, and I’ve learned to expect nothing but the best from myself.

I just kept reading it over and over and over and something… sparked in me.

I then read my other favorite blog and she spoke about self-hatred.  She quoted The Dali Lama who at one point during one of his first visits to the US encountered the Western concept of “self-hatred” for the first time.  It had never even occurred to him.

A few times at the beginning of this week I felt something weird.  Almost an out-of-body experience where I saw myself from far away, from an observer’s perspective.  I bought a bag of chips and chip dip and Pepsi and hated myself for:

1) thinking about buying it
2) buying it
3) eating it

I kept observing myself from far away whispering “you LOVE to hate yourself. If you didn’t hate yourself, you wouldn’t know how to live”.

And it’s true.  The two times I have gone to Weight Watchers and lost a significant amount of weight, I felt like a fraud.  I felt like it was a temporary phase in my life, someone would find out, the girl inside me would find out and it would all be over.

It’s the same as when I started this blog.  I started it because I knew I wanted to make a change, but deep down inside didn’t believe it.  And then I read some blogs and became obsessed with being jealous of them, being envious of their healthy lifestyle and hating them, yet trying to be like them.  Of course this did not last and I’ve gained 16 lb back of what I lost and I’m in the EXACT SAME PLACE as I was when I started.

Like I always am.

So guess what?  It’s not about the weight!  I could lose 40 lb and still feel exactly the same.  I want to laugh at the fact that old memories and thought patterns that developed when I was young and formulating are what is holding me back from living my life in a HAPPY AND HEALTHY way.  It’s ridiculous.  Thoughts?  How can they control you so easily – they’re just thoughts!  Not even true ones!  Seems pretty crazy.

Yet ignoring them doesn’t work (see the past 10 years of my life for reference).

I must identify them, examine them, learn how to let them go.

Learn how to stop hating (don’t be a hater yo!).

It’s a way bigger task than just losing a few pounds.  It’s something I’ve been avoiding for years and years now. But goddamnit I am 37 years old now.  I think I deserve a break from the continual torment of my hatred, don’t you?

Or most importantly, don’t I?

I’m just not that into you

Well, hate to say it, but I think that’s it for this blog.

I’m really just not interested in keeping this up anymore, nor do I have anything interesting to say.  I feel sort of sad because I put a lot of work and effort into keeping track of my life for the past year.

But let’s be honest, no one reads this (and I don’t blame them) and I think people are coming across this blog solely because they searched for “fat bulldog puppies”.

So alas, I am going to work on archiving this entire blog and keeping it for my own reference, but most likely will be deleting it altogether.

It’s been swell, thanks for reading . BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m still alive!

Sorry ’bout that! I know I haven’t been here for a LONG time and I’m sorry (even thought no one is reading this and/or cares).

But that’s okay, for my own records then….

1) I finished 35 performance evaluations in 8 days.  I can’t even express to you how unbelievably hard it was to fit this into my already crazy schedule.  Let’s just say there were tons and tons of late nights and extra hours staying late at work.  But I finished them!

2) I found a way to fit in yoga.  I checked out a new different studio that is 5 MIN AWAY from my work.  They are a hot yoga place, have a 6 am class and a 4 pm class, which both fit very well with my schedule.  And because it’s so close to my work, I can even have the option of showering and getting ready at my work where we have a gym and nice showers and change room.  I decided even if I cannot sell my current yoga pass, I will pay the extra money on top of that and go, because I NEED to go and that’s my only option.

3) Not doing 100% well on no junk food, but cut out Pepsi/Coke pretty much and have been eating salad/sandwich or salad/soup for dinner every night.

4) Going to do a huge budget overhaul and get my money sitch back on track.  Need to organize and start saving money in every way I can.

And that’s about it! I will have lots to talk about when I start yoga and start budgeting…. and start losing weight again!!!

these are the days of our lives

Last night I had a conversation with my boyfriend.

It seems that as we are working towards better things, our lives seem to be getting worse.  I don’t want to commit to a year of being unhappy until this contract is over, and stop doing the things I love to do because I have no time anymore.

Here’s my dilemma, can you guys help?

I NEED to go to yoga.  At least four times a week.  Here are my options:

1) 6:30 am class

The 6:30 am class is too late for me, because it means I don’t get to work until 8:20 am and that’s simply too late.  I need to be there at 7:30 am.  So pretty much that class is out – I could MAYBE try it on Tuesday and Thursday morning as those are less busy mornings that I could maybe afford to come in 40 minutes later than I usually do – but then that adds a huge amount of stress to my day.

2) 4:00 pm class on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

I could possibly go to these two classes, this might be my best option – however they are 1.5 hours instead of the usual 1 hour, and that means I cannot stay late after work (which I like to have the option of in case things get crazy).  And it’s only on Tues and Thurs, which is only two days.

3) Go to another studio that has a 6:00 am class. 

If I could, I would.  However, I had  gift certificate for one year to this place I go to now and already cashed it, so I’m kinda stuck there for a year.  Don’t think there is any way to transfer my membership.  Plus the other place that has the 6:00 am class is $980 for the year.  Which is what I paid for my current place, which would mean I would have to find someone willing to give me $1000 up front to take over my membership.  Not going to happen, even if my yoga place let me do that.

4) Do yoga at home.

Good idea, but it’s not hot yoga, and I need hot yoga.

So what to do?  Any thoughts?  There are no classes Monday/Wed/Fri at 4:00 – only ones at 5:45 and I’ll already be home by then.

Help!

Real Housewives New York – New Season!

FINALLY they are back!  I missed you gals!

Everybody is back, better than ever!  Except Bethenny, who has her own show “Bethenny Ever After” (which I still watch but has become a bit contrived lately).  Will always love Bethenny though.

Anyway, let’s discuss shall we?

Cindy Barshop is the new kid on the block.  The others said she was very “downtown”.  I wonder what that means?  They mentioned something about the village and downtown.  Does that mean… rocker?  hippy? trendy?  Can’t tell.  She seems okay.

Ramona Singer has grown on me, just like Simon has grown on her.  She seems more calm this season, and I thought she was hilarious when she was interviewing people for her assistant position.    I also thought it was classy of her, even though she can’t stand Kelly, to rush at the last minute and create a name card and a place for Kelly to sit at the charity dinner.

I’m verrrry interested to see what Kelly Killoren will do this season.  Seems like she’s got backup, at least with Luanne and Jill.  She’s a little crazy, but completely entertaining.  She seems like she’s lost a bit of weight too, which of course she didn’t need to, but her face looks GREAT as a result.  And it’s true, being a model doesn’t mean you are pretty, it means you are photogenic.  Good point Kelly K.

Jill Zarin.  We haven’t seen much of Jill in these last two episodes, but I’m looking forward to her and Alex battling it out.  I still really like Jill, although don’t like how she treated Bethenny last season.  But I would forgive her, because she seems like a good person deep down.  Hilarious the way she needs to know EVERYTHING about everyone immediately.  Like asking Cindy who the father was of her children, ha!  I’m sure as a friend, it could get irritating.  But as a viewer it’s hilarious.

Alex McCord is back with a vengeance.  I used to really like Alex, but this season she just came out attacking everyone and it seems really contrived, almost like the producers told her to ramp things up now that Bethenny has left and there won’t be that huge conflict between Bethenny and Jill, and Bethenny and Kelly.  However, that being said, the way Sonja treated her at her art party was disgusting. I still think Alex would be a good friend in real life though, she seems very interesting and educated and probably very loyal.

What is up with Sonja Morgan so far?  I really liked her last season, but this season she’s acting like a crazy person!  The whole thing about her and Alex at Sonja’s art party was ridic.  Alex was trying to calmly talk about the situation, and Sonja was such an idiot, rude, dismissive, and then kicked Alex out of her house because Sonja didn’t want to deal with it.  And I’m sorry, but anyone who hires an artist to paint a humongous picture of themself is an idiot.  That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard of.  Imagine hanging a huge canvas of yourself on your own wall?  WTF maximum.  Sonja is extremely pretty though, I will give her that.  She just needs to start acting nicer.

Luann De Lesseps has been her usual self so far.  Her necklaces are to DIE for.  She always looks so nice, well dressed, cool style.  From the previews though it looks like she really give it to Alex, so I’m curious about what will go down.

So there you have it.  That took me a long time btw.  This is why I don’t usually photoshop stuff – I don’t have time.  It takes lots of time people, appreciate!

wakey wakey!

I did it!  I finally went to the 6:30 am hot yoga class.

PROS:

• I got it over with.
• I felt pretty zen afterwards

CONS:

• got to work too late
• Sweet Jesus it was HARD.
• got a migraine

So it’s definitely something I will do again, I just wish there was  6 am class instead so I could get to work earlier.  I think I might try to do it twice weekly.  I was hoping for more than that, but seeing as I got to work around 8:20 am and I like to get there at 7:40 am I don’t think I can do it four times a week like I wanted.

In other news, you all know my love for Britney Spears right?  Just heard her new song and watched her new video and LOVE LOVE LOVE it!!  I love the song so much I can’t stop listening to it.  And she looks gorgeous ya’ll!  She looks like she’s having fun in this video too which is a nice change.

So with that, I leave you with ‘Till The World Ends.  According to the video it’s apparently December 2012. Who knew! Britney, that’s who!  I know for me if the world was ending, dancing would be number one on my to-do list.  Great minds Britney… great minds.

P.S. I don’t think the video works from here, those assholes over at VEVO are going to make you watch it over there.

even though we’re just dancing in the dark

Hey, so what’s new?  Oh that’s right, I’m fat!

Yup, that meal plan lasted one week tops, haven’t gone to yoga once.  The only thing I’m actually doing that I said I would do is the NO JUNK FOOD.

This doesn’t make me feel good – it makes me feel BAD.  Very bad.

I read a great thing on bodyrock.tv today.  Basically Zuzanna said, “if you don’t have the minerals to take a stand on what you are going to drink, then how the hell are you going to stand for what counts in other areas of your life?“

Even though “minerals” is a weird way to put it (she’s Czech, I forgive her) I get what she means.  And it’s true.  What the eff is wrong with me?  If I don’t even have the gumption to stand up for what I put into my body via drink/food, how am I going to stand up for anything else?

I’ll just leave it at that – I whine enough on here about what I’m not doing, I’m sure nobody is interested in my failure.

No, people want to be inspired by 14-k runs and green smoothies and huge amounts of weight loss and self-control.

Maybe that’s why no one read this blog anymore, save the few that come by here because of their search for bulldog puppies and single at 36.

In other news, let’s talk about what I DID do this week!

1. Survived (seriously, it was on my to-do list!).

2. Solved some problems that I didn’t think I could solve but under the gun realized I could.

3. Started to get my workflow going and organize my desk and files.

4. Took two vacation days and am going up for Easter to my parents where I decided I will get my Dad to help me create my minor, sad version of Bruce Springsteen’s song, Dancing in the Dark.  (yes, I can sing and play piano btw).

5. Didn’t eat junk food.

So there are 5 things quick off the top of my head that I accomplished this week.  Go me!  Today  I am going to a spa, so will try and take pics and tell you all about it!

Lamb Chop

I’ve been re-thinking the French Bulldog thing and thinking of getting an English Bulldog instead.  However, when they are puppies they are soooooooooo unbelievably adorable I think I would have to take like 6 months vacation so that I would never have to leave him/her!

I mean honestly, how could you leave this at home without you?

Did I tell you what I plan on naming my dog?

Isn’t that great!  Lammie for short.  I say him because for some reason I think it will end up male, although I would prefer a female I think.

I’ve been playing the “what do you think Lamb chop would be doing right now” with my boyfriend.  If we drive anywhere I say “do you think we would take Lamb chop with us today?”.  And then we’ll have a conversation as if Lamb chop is sitting at home for reals.

He’ll say something like “no, we’ll leave Lamb chop at home, we’re just going to a few grocery stores”.
me: “But we should take him, we’ll be gone for so many hours”.
him: “well what’s he going to do, stay in the car?”
me: “no, he needs to get out and pee, what are we going to leave him home for hours when he could just come with us?”
him: “but he’ll mess up my seats in the back”.
me: “no honey, we’ll put his bed in the back so he’ll sit on that!”

It’s quite funny actually.  I think he plays along because either:

1) He doesn’t believe me that I would ever get one.
2) He secretly likes the idea.

We had talked about getting a dog in May 2009 and were just waiting until we got a bigger place.  I think if we get that bigger place it will become a real possibility.  He wanted a Yellow Lab though, but I think he’s open to a Bulldog.

The only thing is… well this is kinda weird but, I’m a little fearful of dogs now.  I NEVER EVER used to be, until I started watching Cesar Milan.  Then all of a sudden I became a little fearful for some reason – I don’t really know why.  Do you know why that would be? It doesn’t make sense.  Maybe because I thought that if it was your own dog, it would never give you problems.  But then I see owners afraid of their own dog and their dog acting violent and schizo and I become so nervous that my dog would be like that and I would be afraid to be with him in the house.

Has anyone ever experienced this?

Anyway, I will leave you with the most awesome bulldog puppy video ever.  Tell me what you think!

the center of attention

Whenever I sign into my blog and see how low my stats are now, and how I never post, my first instinct is to just give up.

However.

Through this new job I am learning a lot about myself.  I’m being pushed WAAAAAAY out of my comfort zone DAILY.   To be uncomfortable, anxious, and way out of your comfort zone daily is FUCKING STRESSFUL.

For example, yesterday we had a leader/manager meeting where there was about 15 of us sitting around a table and every single one of us had a LOT of attention on us numerous times.  I may come across as confident and outgoing, but I’m actually super shy and HATE attention being drawn to me.

Actually, that’s not ENTIRELY true.

I feel like my mind is totally fucking with me on this one.  I feel like I fight with myself because I actually deep down LIKE being the center of attention, but when it happens, like a habit I immediately go to a place of embarrassment/self-consciousness/insecurity/going red-faced.  Which is so frustrating because I’m really not embarrassed, my mind just automatically goes to that place from years of habit.

Do you know how frustrating that is?  For a person like me, Type A, perfectionist, to be so DEFEATED by something that I can’t get control of drives me crazy.

Yesterday through that entire meeting I came to realize though that with practice, it will get easier.  You just have to push past that shit and keep doing it and eventually you get over it.

Like with public speaking.  Man I would sooooo dread it – I would do everything in my power to avoid any situation where I had to public speak. I finally got over it though in my college courses where in every single course I had to do at least one presentation.  Every presentation got better and better and I realized that you just have to keep doing it, and you get better at it.

My instinct, like I said in the beginning of this post, is to BAIL when the going gets tough.  My mantra has always been, my whole life:

“If you don’t want to do it, then don’t do it”

I never usually do things I don’t want to do.

But you know what?  You don’t grow that way.  You may grow in other ways sure, but you hold yourself back from growing in the ways that you NEED TO.

It’s easier just to avoid these things and keep comfortable.

I look forward to the person I will be after I continue to push myself through all these uncomfortable things and all these embarrassing, awkward, nerve-wracking moments because I will have achieved huge things in the end.

Here are some quotes to inspire you:

Change and growth take place when a person has risked himself and dares to become involved with experimenting with his own life.
Herbert Otto

If we all did the things we are capable of, we would astound ourselves.
Thomas Edison

and my ultimate, personal favorite:

And the day came
when the risk to remain tight in a bud
became more painful
than the risk it took to blossom.

Anais Nin

Inbox full

Great news! I did two important things:

1) Created a weekly meal plan chart.  This is great because I really respond well to charts and organization, etc.  I already made my food for the week and shopped according to the chart.  I got this idea from Beth at Beth’s Journey.

	Breakfast	Snack	Lunch	Snack	Dinner	Workout
Monday	2 veggie bacon 1 egg, 2 whites	Cottage cheese & strawberries	Tuna sandwich from store		Noodle soup	6:30 am hot yoga
Tuesday	2 veggie bacon 1 egg, 2 whites	Lara bar Or Cottage cheese & strawberries	Leftover rice from shawarma with veggie burger		Chicken breast with mixed greens/kale salad
Wednesday	2 veggie bacon 1 egg, 2 whites	Lara bar Or Cottage cheese & strawberries	Black bean burger with coconut rice and chunks of avocado		Chicken breast with mixed greens/kale salad	6:30 am hot yoga
Thursday	2 veggie bacon 1 egg, 2 whites	Lara bar Or Cottage cheese & strawberries	Negitoro roll, avocado roll		Chicken breast with mixed greens/kale salad
Friday	2 veggie bacon 1 egg, 2 whites	Lara bar Or Cottage cheese & strawberries	Black bean burger with coconut rice and chunks of avocado		TBD	6:30 am hot yoga

2) Me and the boyfriend decided something HUGE!!!  We talked about doing a one-year stint of NO JUNK FOOD.  But then I came to my senses and said one year??!!! WTF x10000.  We got it down to a three-month trial starting April 1 of NO JUNK FOOD! I’m really excited and happy that he is on board with this because we are very bad together, and when I’m good – he’s bad, and vice versa.

I’m up 14 lb from August 31, 2010 and that is just unacceptable.  I think he’s feeling the same way so we decided to do something about it!

Work is still absolutely INSANE and I’m having a hard time fitting in yoga.  But as I’m moving into my third week of this new job I’m starting to SLOWLY piece together how I might start organizing things, and organizing my day.  I can’t wait until I feel comfortable and not anxious going to work, and making yoga a part of my morning.

Well, that’s all for now folks.  I’ll keep you posted (even though I’ve lost most of my readers )

not-so-amazing wheat grass and yoga

This morning I got up at 10 am, so I figured after such a terrible Saturday night (won’t bother with the details) I would go to the 12 pm yoga class.  I’m not going to say it was a mistake, but… it wasn’t good.

First of all, it’s very weird for me to go to hot yoga during the day. Also, they didn’t have the usual sign-in scanners out and the lockers were all different so that totally threw me off.

Second of all I was late to enter the yoga room and all the good spots were taken, so I felt very self-concious trying to pick my spot and ended up in the middle row smack beside some girl who was probably cursing me because the entire middle row was free and I chose the spot right beside her.  Mental note, I know I’ve complained in the past when people do that to me, and I’m never going to complain about that again seeing as I didn’t MEAN TO and by the time I realized it was too late to move.

The class was HARD, and I couldn’t really see myself in the mirror, I was distracted, and all I have to say is WOW - I looked so humongously fat in the mirror and I was so ashamed. She made us do saddle pose and I almost cried because that is NOT a flattering pose for anyone who is chubby.  Because I was panicking and starting to scream “I hate myself” in my head, I just kept repeating to myself “I love myself, I love myself’.  Eee-yeah.  Didn’t work.

Finally class was over and I was ugly, no make-up-y, sweaty, red-faced and tiny-eyed and I had to walk home looking that way on a busy Sunday downtown.

I picked up some stuff from the market and then made myself a green smoothie with almond milk, strawberries, agave syrup, fresh kale, and tried a sample pack of that Amazing Wheat Grass chocolate flavored powder that all the Pod People go on about.  I don’t know, maybe I put too much fresh kale in, but that power was disgusting.  Never again thanks.

So yeah, that’s my day.  Last night I got told that apparently all I do is “complain and bitch” 24/7.  I guess this post would render that criticism true.  I don’t care, it’s how I feel today and I felt like writing about it.

Alas, on a totally different note, and to try and make you fall in love with me all over again I will tell you something funny.  Last night I dreamt that I had to phone my boyfriend with a lemon poppyseed muffin.  I kept talking to him through the muffin and then wanted to eat the muffin and couldn’t figure out how to keep talking to him if I ate it.  hahaha.

a multitasking dreamboat

I am becoming the ultimate multitasker.  The other day at work I listened to a phone message, and while listening to the said phone message searched for the information in the computer, found the information and made this certain job a priority, emailed everyone about the priority, and then deleted the phone message.  All within about 30 seconds.

I was equally in awe of my own self and then scared at what I have become.

But I have no choice see, that is what this new job requires.  Good thing I’m good at multitasking and pretending I know what I’m doing!

My boyfriend gave me a weird “talk” the other night and it freaked me the fuck out.  I bought a McDonald’s shake after a particularly hard day at work, but I had PLANNED this into my day, but anyway.  He gave me this talk about needing to be mindful/careful about eating unhealthy things because I’m so busy and exhausted from work.  I know he was just trying to be helpful, because he had his own experience with that, but it really crushed something inside of  me.

I began to feel that choking fear creep back up about gaining weight again. And because I need to be SO IN CONTROL at work, like controlling every millisecond of my day, I guess it just feels…. good to eat something and not care.

Not that I’m having McDonald’s every day.  In fact, on the food end I”m not doing too badly as I don’t really have time to eat anyway during the day.  But there has been not one iota of exercise since about end of January and my body is really showing that.

Anyway, back to the “talk”.  I can’t even express how freaked out that made me.  I became full of panic, doubt, fear, insecurity – and I hate that.

Maybe I’m being too analytical about weight and food. It reminds me of this time I needed to pack and clean the house I was living in, and I had a whole afternoon free, and I sat down on my bed and started making a list of things I needed to do.  In the middle of the list I thought, WTF instead of making a list why don’t I just fucking DO the things on the list!

I realized then something about myself.  It feels GREAT to make a list, to prepare, to organize things in my mind.  But when it comes to the execution of the idea, I lose interest.

Why?  There’s nothing really that magical about trying to lose weight.  It’s just discipline and dedication.  But I would rather write 300 posts about why I’m not disciplined and dedicated than just… BE DISCIPLINED AND DEDICATED.

Oh, and my plan for doing morning yoga?  Well, Ididn’t execute that plan last week, but I will start on Monday.  I need to at least try it, even though the boyfriend is warning me against it.

So those are my thoughts about weight loss, errrrr… lack thereof.

In the other corner of my mind, I’ve been having doggie yearnings again. Maybe I just want something waiting for me at home that is happy and loves me unconditionally *cries a little at just having written that*.  I want a French Bulldog.

http://www.cutepuppiesforsale.net

They’re not really that cute when they’re full grown, but for some reason they just break my heart when I see them.  I feel so tender towards them.

My dream would be to have a French Bulldog AND a Lab.

Does anyone here have a French Bulldog that they can share info about?  I would LOVE to hear it!

Falling, failing…and floppy.

I’m not going to lie, I’ve fallen back into my old ways.  I’ve been eating terribly (save one amazing salad I will give you the recipe for), not exercising AT ALL, and generally feeling floppy, fat and gross.

This new job has turned my whole world around, and I guess for comfort I have gleefully dove back into the old world I used to live in, diet wise.

You want to know the truth?  It feels awful. Yes, the foods taste good in the moment, but the overall way it makes me feel is so painful and gross and I feel ashamed of myself.

I will admit, my dinners when I get home from work are pretty good in and of themselves – chicken breast and green salad with kale and other healthy ingredients.  But then I will eat chips and cheese dip and coke and whatever chocolate is around to mess it all up.

This weekend I had my ultimate favorite – Ruffles Rippled chips with Philadelphia cream cheese dip. Good lord I forgot how amazing this was.  But this is a major trigger food for me (not to mention expensive!!).

I haven’t been going to yoga after work like I planned because I have been training for 3 weeks now, and honestly I just couldn’t drink enough water during the day in order to go!  That is not an excuse, it’s a fact.  But now that I’m on my own on Monday, I will have more control over my day and how much I can stop what I’m doing, drink, get up to go to the bathroom, etc., and I want to try the 5:45 pm class this week at least twice.

The other alternative, and I CANNOT BELIEVE I’M SAYING THIS, is to go to the 6:30 am class.  Yes, that’s a.m., as in, 6:30 in the god damn morning, wtf x1000! However, that way I can start my day with yoga and there will be no room for excuses after work.  Not every day, but maybe at least on Mondays.  What do you guys think?

Also, how the hell are you supposed to drink enough water that early in the morning?  Any tips?

Here is the salad I have been making.  A friend of mine once told me she ate raw kale as a snack one day and she felt healthy just by eating it.  I totally know what she means!  Eating raw kale just makes me happy and feel amazing.

Happy Healthy Salad:

• mixed spring greens
• raw kale ripped up in very tiny pieces
• raw broccoli cut up in very tiny pieces
• fat-free feta (you can use whatever feta you want, I just happened to have this but I love goat feta best)
• cut up Granny Smith green apple
• pecans

I use Kraft calorie-wise sundried tomato dressing.   I think it’s the combination of the raw broccoli and raw kale that makes this salad so awesome.

Anyway, I will update you (err… whoever is left reading this) about my goal of doing yoga twice this week and tell you how it goes.

I want to Body Rock

Not that this site needs any more hype, but Zuzana is a wonder.  If this site doesn’t inspire you, I don’t know what will.  I showed it to my friend and she has been doing the workouts.  I haven’t even tried one yet, just watching them makes me tired.  But I assure you, once I get my energy back, I will be doing these workouts on the days that I don’t go to yoga.

Dexter, marry me please.

This blog is not dead, I assure you!

As in my previous post, you know that I have started  a new job.  Not only is it completely overwhelming, but I have to try and function through it on a completely different time schedule.  My body feels like it’s jet-lagged and I’m swimming through a fog.

I never thought going from working 1-9 pm to 9-5 would throw my body into such a muddled confusion.  But my whole game is off and all I can think about is sleep.  I’m not eating properly because I’m honestly just too tired to eat sometimes, and then my boyfriend will make something and I will just eat it, with no complaint.  Kraft Dinner, perogies, whatever, as long as it’s made for me.  That should be the first thing that stops though – we’re both getting no nutrition and probably going to get sick.

So we’re going to the States on Sunday to stock up – hoping to get some chicken breasts and vegetables too for dinners this week.

As for yoga or other exercise?   Well, that equals zero.  WAY too exhausted to even think about it.  I’m praying this goes away very quickly as now I only have 9 months to lose the 30 lb I wanted to and I’m starting to really stress and panic about it.

Not to mention I have nothing to blog about right now!  All I’m doing is working and sleeping and crashing on the couch watching Dexter.  I’m on Season 3 now.  I love Dexter intensely.   Michael Hall – call me!!

Also caught the first episode of Real Housewives of Miami and was BORED stiff.  Did anyone else get a chance to watch this?  What did you think of it?

Casual business

Yikes! I’m really neglecting this blog.  My stats are alarmingly low!!

Things have been happening in my life, but hopefully all these changes are for the better.  Mainly, I got a new job!  So… this means that my whole life will change as I will be working 9-5 like every other asshole now.

My acupuncturist and naturopath will be OH SO HAPPY as my body is joining the rhythm that it was meant to – rising at 7 am and going to bed around 11 pm.

All I’m hoping for is that:

• the stress of this new job makes me lose weight
• the new hours of this job make me lose weight
• the yoga class at 5:45 pm isn’t as insanely busy as I think it will be (but it will be, I know it)
• the extra pay (that will be mostly taken by taxes, thanks Canada you morons) will enable me to sink more $$ into our business and get ahead a little

I made a FAQ and tips for beginning hot yoga page.  Check it out!  More tips coming as I think of them.

And I have to go shopping as my job requires me to dress “business casual”.  Which means no jeans and Converse like I wear every single day anymore *sad face*

Shingles, and not the roof kind

Just a quick update to tell you I’m still here.  I can’t even believe the amount of stress I am under.  And if that wasn’t enough, guess what?

My boyfriend has shingles.

Basically he is in so much pain that he equates it to being burned alive. I feel so bad for him.  I can’t even talk to him on the phone because he is literally screaming and yelling in pain and I just start crying because it breaks my heart.

And of course, the useless idiot of a doctor gave him NOTHING for the pain.  NOTHING.  Can you believe that?  I hope that doctor burns in hell.  No, I hope that doctor gets shingles actually.

So with my sources *insert innocent look here* I have managed to get some Percocet for him, and I pray that it will work.

In other more positive news, my good friend came to yoga with me on Friday night.  I expected him to complain about it, but he ended up really liking it!  We had such a nice night, we hung out for a bit drinking free “happy tea” in the lounge before class, and then had a great class.  The class had such a relaxed good energy, and my friend had such a relaxed energy too – I thought he would have a fiery aggressive energy but it turned out to be the opposite.  He did really well with the poses too – but then again he has been weight lifting and going to the gym for 100 years and has a great strong body.  All in all it was so fun with him.  I wish my boyfriend would go with me!

So yes, I will be back with a more interesting, engaging post and pictures as soon as I can.  Promise!  Stay with me!!

P.S. They still haven’t proved the Jerusalem UFO videos are a hoax.  Just sayin’.

Aliens? Really?

Remember how I was JOKING about being abducted by aliens?  Did you see the video of the Jerusalem UFO?

So lots of people are trying to debunk it, critize it, say it’s an elaborate hoax, news IS reporting it, but very quietly.  Apparently at the same time in the US there were other reports, and one in Mexico.

I don’t know what to think.  Honestly, I’ve never seen anything move up so fast like that, my inner UNCANNY VALLEY detector went off (click to look up uncanny valley, it’s really interesting!).

There are 4 videos now, and the third one has proved to be fake.  But #1, #2 and #4 have not been proved to be fake… yet.  Some people are saying it’s fake because the light from the ?UFO didn’t “reflect off the dome” it was hovering over.  Um…why do OUR laws of physics apply to alien spacecraft!  That to me is hilarious.

What’s weird is, I always thought that if aliens really came to earth I would be terrified.  I didn’t feel scared from that video at all, just curious.  I mean, who’s to say that the “aliens” we think of when we talk about aliens are really the ones coming here?  We have this checklist of what an alien should be:

• weird and scary looking with a huge head and big eyes and tiny body
• mean and wanting to hurt us
• wanting to take over earth

But what if they’re just simply… not like that?  How would we know, anyway?  What if they are just very casual and curious, what if they look like us?  What if they look like… kitty cats?  (yay btw!)

I have a bunch of thoughts and questions.  What do you guys think?  I’m REALLY interested to know.

1. If they are so “advanced”, why do they need to use a spaceship to fly here in?

2. If they are so “advanced”, why do they want to meet/study us? I personally think, well why not?  We study ants don’t we?  We just are curious and need/want to know things.  Big deal.

3. Why is it always a big secret, why don’t they show themselves?  Why have they been coming here for apparently so many years but not doing anything?

I hope the video is real.  I have a feeling nothing will be solved.  The videos won’t be proved neither a hoax nor real, and it will fade from our memories.  Too bad.

Impulse

Today was a great day.  Maybe cause I’m coming off a yoga high from last night.   Class was just okay, I was super distracted by a lady beside me.   She kept sighing really loudly throughout the class and when we were in savasana actually yawned SUPER loud and sighed.   It’s like, ok i get it, you’re “letting it all go” but come on.   In savasana?  But then I tried to look at it as a challenge and gift – something to help me practice breathing and focusing when I am being distracted.

Because really, it’s easy to stay focused when you are not distracted, but it’s such a challenge to maintain that focus when you are distracted.   And yoga is all about learning right?  Right.   So thank you yawning/sighing lady!

I came to a revelation of sorts the other day when I was emailing my friend.  I told her that maybe I ENJOY being out of control with my eating because it’s the only place I let myself be out of control.  I hang on so tightly to control in ALL ASPECTS of my life – eating is the one place where I let it all go.

I know right????  I will pause here for your compliments on what a insightful thought that was!! *pauses cyber-ly*

So in that respect, I remembered I had Dr. Phil‘s book, “The Ultimate Weight Loss Solution“.  I picked it up and started skimming through it.   I flipped to the chapter about “Emotional Eating” because really, hello, look up emotional eating in the dictionary and you will find my name as the definition!  Anyway, he talked about “Impulse Eating“.  He said basically you have many impulse moments during the day that are threatening moments in which you are tempted to stray off your path of healthy eating.   You need to identify your impulse moments and come up with a solution so that you stay on track.

So I did that.  I have two impulse moments that happen every day.

1.  3 pm coffee break: I go for coffee with my coworker and we will end up at McDonald’s or Tim Horton’s to grab a coffee.  However, if I’m hungry, or sad, I end up caving and getting a donut or an apple pie.  This is a very dangerous time for me because at 3 pm I really crave a sweet carb,  so I thought of things to prevent that from happening.

• do not go for coffee hungry
• bring only enough money for coffee and nothing else
• make my own sweet carb in a controlled environment and have that.  For example, Averie’s Vegan Gluten-Free Banana Nut Muffins

This one I can definitely do.

2.  Coming home right after work without doing yoga, and/or watching my reality TV shows: Ooohh, this is a very, very dangerous time for me.  I tell you, there is NOTHING better than settling in and watching my favorite reality TV show with a yummy snack in front of me.  However, if I want to lose weight, that’s just not possible.  I thought of some alternatives, but I’m not 100% on these, so if you have the same problem and have some ideas or managed to curb that habit altogether, I need to know what you did!

• make a green smoothie when I get home instead.  That will fill me up at least (but won’t get rid of the salt craving, hmmm)
• find a very low-calorie snack and have that instead.  Possible, but sometimes I get crazy and eat the entire box of low-calorie snack

Eee-yeah.  I know those aren’t very good ones for #2.  That’s why I need help for that particular danger zone.  Thoughts?

I’m pleased to say that I put this in effect today, but had a really close call.  We went to McDonald’s and I ALMOST got small fries, but I passed them up, went back to work where my coworker actually even offered me a fresh hot apple pie, but I still passed it up and had a Larabar instead.  Peanut Butter and Jelly flavor, WOW!  Soooo good.  Especially with my coffee.

Guess what’s in it?  Dates, peanuts, dried cranberries, salt. THAT’S IT!  I might even try and make some myself because they are expensive, but so good and filling!

No hope, no harm, just another false alarm

$10 if you can tell me without googling the song those lyrics in the title is from.  I’ll put a cheque in the mail for you.

I had the weirdest experience last night.  I had this dream, but I swear it wasn’t a dream.  It was like watching the synapses of my brain.

In my dream the world had ended, and so some of us had to live in space. It was very odd – very quiet, slow moving colors, almost like watching a jelly fish swim.  There was utter silence and the most isolation I have ever felt in my life. And then some man’s voice said, “if you listen you can hear people’s pain because it’s so lonely up here” and I heard this weird sound and it was so sad,  and I felt the most lonely sad feeling ever.

And then the dream changed and someone made a joke about something on a wall, and I woke up laughing.  Then I got really creeped out by my laugh, and all of a sudden WHAM! My left sinus burned as if I snorted wasabi, and it wouldn’t stop burning. It burned for like 10 min straight for no reason!!

I told my massage therapist this morning and she said maybe I got abducted by an alien!!!!  I laughed but now am thinking omg what if I did?  I’m going to google that – be right back.

Ok I’m back.

oh my lord – sinus pain is one of the symptoms of abduction! Great.  I wonder what happened up there in alien land.  Why did I laugh?  Is one of the aliens a comedian?  Maybe he was in the middle of telling me a joke, trying out his stand up routine,  and then his alien boss came in so he quickly shoved something in my nose to make it look like he was doing his job and I woke up and came back to my bed and this earth?  Hmmm, that doesn’t seem right either.

Oh well.  Whateves.  If they’re going to take me, all I ask is that they teach me how to travel through time. They can look in my sinus all they want if they’re so inclined.  No more creepy jokes that I immediately forget upon wakening though, that’s not cool, at least give me some material to work with!

Dear Aliens, Just thinking of you! Sincerely, Torri

I can’t believe it’s not my tooth!

Like my picture?  I glanced at the aftermath of my toast and butter on the counter, and the way it was laying there looked cool so it gave me an idea and I took a picture of it.  I’m just using the “auto” button on the camera because I don’t know how to use anything else, but I’m sure if I knew how some other buttons worked I could have made this picture really artsy and cool.

I’ve taken to eating whole wheat sourdough bread.  I usually don’t eat bread, or am always looking for bread that will fill me up for longer than 5 minutes.  Surprisingly, this bread does the trick!  Yes, that’s “I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter” but I didn’t buy it, the boyfriend did.

And guess what – the tooth is actually BETTER!!!!???   wtf can you believe it?  I can’t.  Maybe I can go to yoga next week again finally!

Binge-arama

I promise not to be irritated and write a positive post, I promise not to be irritated and write a positive post, I promise not to….

oh hello there!

Last night when I got home I binged. The boyfriend has moved out for a while – no no, nothing like that, just circumstances and he still has his own place that he pays rent for, plus my parents are coming so, he needed to scram for a bit.  So I was alone, and not accountable.

Chips, cheese dip, salsa verde, coke, and two rice krispie squares.  Surprisingly (and  unfortunately for my body fat percentage) nothing made my tooth hurt.  So I ate.  And watched a million episodes of Millionaire Matchmaker (which by the way is great now that Season 4 has moved to New York).

It was a  subjective binge really because it wasn’t so much a “binge”, just a lot of eating bad shit.  But it was a thoughtful binge.

By that I mean, as I was eating it I was in deep analysis mode… “why am I doing this?”, “why don’t I just stop”, “this cheese dip is all chemicals and bad for me” yet I just ate it anyway.

I’m not going to lie.  It was FABULOUS.  It tasted SO GOOD and was awesome and I was alone and eating and watching my shows uninterrupted.

Yet this morning I awoke in somewhat of a SALT COMA. My eyes were so puffy, I was completely out of it.  Stomach was not good, rumbling with angry memories of all that salsa verde.  Thoughts of what I cannot wear because I’m too fat filled my head and I felt angry.

I took the bus and caught up on my Twitter posts. I get so inspired by them.  I am careful to not just follow any old person, but people who post important and poignant things – like yoga stuff, health advice, beautiful quotes… (oh and I follow Adrienne Maloof from Real Housewives too but that’s just because I think she’s awesome and I want to support her in any way possible).

Oh, speaking of which, I received the PopTinsel from my You Want These? post but they turned out to be orange – I thought I picked gold.  So I’m going to have to order some more before I try them and blog about the process and how awesome they are going to look.

Where was I going with this post?  Oh right.  Binging.  Basically it has to stop.  This is not going to work for me.

So instead of eating like crap just because I can’t go to yoga or drink enough water (like what kind of logic is that anyway??  my skewed logic, that’s what kind) why don’t I just… eat the best stuff I can, and walk everywhere?

I usually walk home from work which is 35-40 minutes, and if I’m going to yoga it is broken up but I’m still walking.  But lately I’ve been taking the bus home because my tooth hurts and I’m miserable. Plus it’s hard to walk fast and keep my lips sealed shut so no air gets in!  My nose starts running copiously and I am breathing really hard, like a dragon.

But who cares Torri – Jesus Christ, just fucking walk home!  And eat better!  *slaps own side of head*

So today I ate well.  And I’m going to walk home.  And not eat bad stuff at home.  But still watch Millionaire Matchmaker with delight – and water.

Blog Pods

Oh hai I’m still in my nightmare.

Tooth continues to hurt, although it is slightly better.  I have been able to do NOTHING.  I miss yoga desperately and am so dehydrated!!  I can’t really eat anything properly, so I’m going for whatever warm foods I can shove into the right side of my mouth.

My annoyance with everything and everyone is at the 20/10 level.

I’m so sick of reading blogs and seeing pictures of their “stash” of what they bought at the grocery store, with 100 apples lined up proudly and a bunch of Greek yogurt.  Then telling us in detail how many miles they ran that day at 4 am and how many calories they burned.  Like fuck off, seriously.  Why do I keep reading though?   I don’t know.

I just want to smile, and be able to exercise outside and eat a stupid apple if I wanted to (which I don’t really, I hate apples but know I should eat them) and eat yogurt without a second thought instead of letting it sit for hours at my desk so it gets to room temperature.

So it annoys me, these blog pods, who just show us their perfection and their perfect lives, and if I have to read the phrase “healthy choice” one more time I’m going to SCREAM! (no offense to any of MY blog people/friends though, you can say healthy choice as much as you want and I will love you for it)

Yeah yeah, I know I’m projecting my own shit.  WHATEVER.  It’s my blog.

And now I’m snickering at my own hot new phrase of 2011 – BLOG PODS.  hahaha.

Plus nobody has uploaded the new episodes of any of the Real Housewives, so I’ve had to watch them via YouTube and it SUCKS!  You see, unlike America, Canada’s media (and probably everything else) is owned by the company ROGERS which controls our media.  We have bullshit like “shows have to have a certain amount of Canadian content” and a whole bunch of other crap.   And yes, this is true, I actually did an essay about Rogers’ media control over Canada so I’m not a total dope.

So.. HBO?  Nope.  BravoTV?  Nope.  Anything else cool?  Nope.

We wait months and months for America’s leftovers.   So unless I want to wait 400 months for RH to come to Canada, I need to seek it out on the internet.  Thus, watching a crappy version of RH that someone has recorded while they comment in the background the whole time.

Also – I just came across the term “camel cricket” and spent 20 minutes aghast, clutching my mouse in terror and twirling my hair in a rapid and anxious manner reading about these things.  DO NOT look them up.  You will regret it, like I do now.  Why do I do this to myself?  I should know that an innocent curious search on Google for anything related to bugs will end in terror.

I have a problem with torturing myself, I’ve just realized by writing this post.  If it’s not reading about blog pods’ perfect lives, it’s reading about horrific bug stories.  I need to get a life!!

Nightmare

Sorry people, it has been a crappy week, and a crappy day.

I’ve got plans for so many cool posts, just not enough time.

I went to the dentist today, and even though my tooth looks exactly the same as it always does, the dentist suggested a root canal.

She seemed really irritated with me too and it’s like, look lady, FUCK OFF okay?  Seriously.  I don’t WANT to act like an idiot about this tooth, but Jesus Christ I’ve had enough of it, and I’m tired of it hurting, and I’m tired of people like YOU poking around in there.

Can you believe she admonished my dental hygiene towards that tooth? I brush and floss the goddamn thing okay?  But I’m not being “aggressive” enough on it apparently.   Um hello?  Do you not understand that it HURTS???  Why would I brush it aggressively right now?  The cleaning is the very thing that WOKE  UP THE NIGHTMARE AGAIN.

I’m irritated with her, and she wants to refer me to some endodontist who apparently is a huge asshole but is “highly skilled”.  Yeah, right.  Like I’m going to let some unsympathetic dink poke around my tooth and knock it with a metal thingy and charge me a huge consultation fee.

Ugh, I hate everything right now.